I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
