I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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