So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
