sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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