i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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