nut hugger
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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