I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
