I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
