wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
