I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
