Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
