her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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