I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
