I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
