Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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