If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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