my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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