Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
