i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
