You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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