come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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