I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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