I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
