Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
