I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
