I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
