I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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