my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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