Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
