i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
did you just send me my own nude
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Let's get the cat blown out
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize