Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
