Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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