I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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