he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
