If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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