do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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