I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
