what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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