Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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