No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
