After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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