I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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