If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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