I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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