I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
