i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
