watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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