dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
