God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
