I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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