I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
