got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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