Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
