i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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