I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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