Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
