I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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