remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
how does that bad decision feel?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
