Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
