I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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