things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
