haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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