he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
