And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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