The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
