You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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