you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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