WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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